I was in the car today when I realized that there is nothing majorly good in my life. 

Yes I know. “Think about the kids in Africa!” they say. “You’ve got a bed and a roof over your head!” 

I know I should be thankful, but I just can’t. 

I am physically and mentally restricted - in every sense of the word. Doing things that are basic abilities are extremely difficult. I’m like a child struggling to master the basics of life, and it’s discouraging. 

When will things improve? When will I finally become better and normal? I’m sick of this, I’m just so tired of it all..

I don’t think i’m going to have anything to post about for a while.

The depressive thoughts are relatively gone, My anxiety comes and goes once in a while. My back is still the same (bitchy and sore), so nothing new there.

I’ll keep this blog handy just incase, but hopefully *fingers crossed* i won’t need it.

And if you are looking for someone to talk to, feel free to contact me via ask. I’ll still come on this tumblr ;)

“I have been basing my anxiety progress with one scale.

Anxiety: Fail.

No anxiety: Success.

I have just realized how wrong i am. I constantly beat myself up for having anxiety and relapsing, always calling myself a failure. I am wrong.”

This is an incomplete draft i wrote the other day and have just reread. It’s funny how this is exactly what i need to hear and be reminded of at the moment, and i guess now is a good time to finish it as well as mesh today’s thoughts.  

Today in my eyes, i failed. I was tested with a certain social situation and i had a minor hiccup. I blew it out of perspective, and gave up. It didn’t matter that it went well the majority of the time, i had “failed”.

It’s scary to see how easy i give up. This small, technically insignificant thing caused me to want to give up for that moment and throw in the towel. To throw away the progress i’ve made, the wonderful people in my life, the amazing times yet to come. I was- i am- scared. I’m scared of the future and all of the moments and thoughts like this.

But i’m not taking many important things into account. For example, when i look back, i am reminded of the progress i have made. I was different last year and the year before. I was WAY worse, but now i am less worse.

It’s allllll about taking baby steps. I may not be fine tomorrow, but i will eventually. I might have hiccups or problems in the future, but i will pull through. Things never stay the same forever. You are not your fears or your habits. It is possible to be different, to change, to be better.

I need to constantly remind myself of this. It will get better, you are on the road to recovery, it will take time and practice.

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Sorry for the lack of posts last month. Bear with me, i won’t leave this blog (unless i say so!).

xoxo

i’m afraid of being alone, but i’m scared of people.

how does that work?

That’s when my anxiety is at it’s highest.

I guess it has something to do with the long day that’s ahead of me. The oppurtunities for things to go wrong, the expectation of moments full of anxiety.
Funny isn’t it? Anxious because of anxiety.

Nights on the other hand, are the best. I guess that’s why i stay up to weeee hours of the morning. There’s something comforting about night. It’s not busy and your day full of anxiety has ended. It’s great until well, the next morning.

thankyou :)

parents don’t understand. i realize you have financial problems and are stressed, but please don’t put down my issues just because they’re.. psychological.

i am stressed just like you (if not more), but in a different way.

all i want from you is to be there to me. i know you don’t understand, but all i want is for you to be on my side.

i made a post tonight, but deleted it. seriously? it’s come to this has it?

here’s the honest truth in a nutshell.

i had a breakdown this afternoon, and now i can’t stop crying to save my life. all the problems/issues in my life have finally broke me. i’ve never felt so helpless, lost, and overwhelmed.

oh, overwhelmed.

it’s EXTREMELY late, and i really should get some sleep, but my brain and my body know that’s not an option. that’s enough for now, i don’t want to bring you all down with me.

(Source: anditslove, via fromtheeclouds)

My chest aches. My heart is tired of thumping hard, my lungs are sick of fighting for air. I’m exhausted.

Like a malicious cancer the anxiety spreads and attacks the normal aspects of my life. Suddenly everything is dangerous. The comforting walls of my home are no longer safe. An easy trip to the grocery store is strenous and difficult.

As you can see, i’m on edge more than usual lately. Probably has to do with something that is coming up. My impending dooooooooom. A test of my worst fears, every terrible situation imaginable possible. This is bad, this is so bad and i can’t do anything to stop it. I can’t run away.

Why is it that happiness is always short lived? Why can’t anxiety and sadness be shortlived? Give me some peace for more than a milisecond, please?